Crippling Reality of Love

Letter to myself when I fall in love: 

You’re in a good place. I never thought this day would come honestly. Sure people tell you you’re pretty all the time but it doesn’t compensate for what love can make you feel. For years there was no one you were even remotely interested in. And other years you found yourself just settling for whatever came your way. It was all because you never thought it could or would become a reality. 

You’re confident. It shows. Some may call you conceited. Sure. You don’t really care. But what people didn’t know was that you didn’t believe a man could love you. And see you for you. And accept your idiocy sometimes. And your weirdness. And dramatic rants. And your ADD. And lastly…. your disability. 

It’s so fucked up because everyone knows you as this person that does not by any means let your disability get in the way of ANYTHING. Yet, love is the only thing in the world that made you mentally confused and torn. You tell yourself your disability isn’t what defines you. That you’re just like everyone else. That you can do anything. So why did you think this?

It’s because that’s the way YOU think. You are confident in yourself. But you were never confident in the male population. To think the way you think. To see the things you see. To accept you the way you accept yourself. 

Sure you got along with guys and can make friends with the snap of your fingers. But to get a guy to see you in a way that’s more than just a cool girl to drink with… is very difficult. It’s a special kind of effort. 

You had to love a little extra to prove you’re capable. To show him that it’s not scary to be with someone that has a physical disability. That, yes, you can have sex. 

Enjoy the love he gives because you’ve earned it. You deserve nothing but the best. You deserve love and respect and honesty. 

I’m proud you didn’t settle because you thought you had to. I’m proud you found yourself. I’m proud that you’re happy. I’m proud you finally learned what true love means.

Love,
Yourself 

Perspective time. 

All an able bodied girl needs to do is wear a low cut shirt and a mini skirt and walk by a man and instantly get looked at sexually. The love part usually comes after this initial encounter.

If I wore a low cut shirt and tight skirt and rolled past a dude it’s not like I can catwalk past him and strut my stuff. And the only ass he’s seeing when I roll past is 300 pounds of steel and wheels. 

The more I think about it, I’m not insecure in myself finding love. I’m just skeptical about every guy that walks by. For some reason, I’ve convinced myself that I’m not capable of love. I convinced myself that a guy who’s trying to flirt with me is only doing it to be “nice.” I convinced myself that guys will have sex with anyone so that doesn’t lead up to love in my case. Because what guy would love me. Society somehow made me believe that no one will ever truly love me because of something I can’t control. But I’m wrong. 

I’m not in love with anyone. I’m not sure I’ve ever even been in love, but everyone has their flaws and love is still everywhere. We can hold off on marriage for a while… but when I love something or someone, it’s strong and true. There are so many loving couples out there with baggage and flaws yet all that stuff doesn’t matter if it’s real and unconditional. It makes me sad that I actually feel this way. It makes me even sadder that it’s a common misconception that most disabled people feel.

    Advertisements

    10 thoughts on “Crippling Reality of Love

    1. Beautifully written and so well thought. You can do all things through Christ that gives you strength. You are so much more than a wheelchair. So much more than so many others. Thanks for sharing

      Like

    2. My sister …guess what..I too felt like you before I fell in love for the 1st time so far at 45 yrs old. Thing is I am actually sadder and way more confused about what love IS. I will tell you my story if you’re interested over FB PM but don’t want to full on share. Hit me up and maybe can fig some stuff out together.
      Margy

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Sawson, you are a remarkable young woman, your heartfelt raw candor will serve as great inspiration to many women. I encourage you to continue on this path of sharing real stories, it brings awareness and a needed sensitivity to all sides of a sometimes uncomfortable topic; Love- Sex- Disabilities.
      With your permission I’d like to share your content on my page “Live to Inspire” as I believe you do.
      Best,
      Victoria St.John aka Parker’s Mom

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Sawsan, you are so damn BEAUTIFUL! inside and out. 300 lbs of gorgeous steel ass and all!!! I think a lot of people, girls and guys, women and men, feel this way and it’s inspirational to read your perspective on it. your confidence is contagious and exactly what a lot of people need. in the end, no matter how different we may appear to be, we are all very much alike. like that quote says, “we are all just trying to walk each other home” xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

    Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s